The Journal
by audreyspeaks
Summary: Edward and Bella have a horrible fight. He wonders why he fell in love with her in the first place. After she leaves, he picks up his journal and begins to read all the reasons why. We begin at the ending. Rated M for language and possibly some sexiness


**Ok so this is my very first story. I have no idea if it's any good but I really want to write this story. The characters are all human. This story will be from Edwards POV unless otherwise stated. I am a believer that love is not a fairy tale. It's gritty and hard and has to be worked at. My favorite love stories are the ones that are flawed. Those are the ones that are real. **

**We begin at the ending... **

_I blinked once and she was here. I blinked again and she's gone. _

********

Of course she isn't here. Why would she be? We only made plans to have dinner. Excuse me, I made plans and she gave a half-hearted agreement. She was supposed to be here at 7:00. I glanced down at the silver watch my father had given to me. It is now 8:13. Did she forget? Is she trying to piss me off? Well congratulations- it's working. I don't know why I ever even bother making plans. She always does what she wants to do.

My thoughts were interrupted by my cell phone. I sighed as I pulled it out of my pocket. I looked at the face-it's her. At least she bothered to call this time. I flipped it open

"Yeah?" Loud music was thundering in the background

"Edward. I'm not going to make it to dinner. I have to work." My frustration was growing.

"Why didn't you tell me this morning?" She let out an irritated sigh

"I don't know. Look I can't talk about this right now. I'll be over later"

"Bella I-" My protest was cut short. She hung up the phone.

Wow. I listened to the humorless chuckle that escaped from my lips as I shook my head in disbelief.

********

At 1:00 a.m. my head shot up. There was someone coming in the front door of my small apartment. I felt like I had been asleep for only a few seconds, but it had been three hours. I heard Bella in the kitchen, opening the refrigerator. She came into the living room, looking at her phone, not noticing me in the recliner.

"Hi" She jumped in the air at the sound of my voice.

"Shit. Edward you scared me to death."

Bella plopped down on the couch and began pulling things out of her oversized purse. I closed my eyes and took slow breaths, not sure if I had the energy to fight with her. I looked over at her and saw what she was eating. She had apparently stopped at some fast food place. I felt my anger building.

"Why are you eating that?" She looked at me like I was an idiot.

"Because I'm hungry."

"Bella, I made us dinner. It took me two hours."

"Wow, you sound like a girl." Her voice was dry as she chuckled at me.

"Bella, I'm serious." I was growing increasingly more frustrated.

"Oh get over yourself Edward. I'll eat it tomorrow if it's so important to you." She took a sip from her soda.

I shook my head furiously. "You just don't get it."

"What Edward? That I had to cancel our plans tonight? Jessica was sick and Joel needed me to cover her shift. I'm sorry if that interfered with whatever you had planned here, but I had to work."

"No you didn't have to work. He could've found someone else." At these words, she exploded.

"Oh for God's sake Edward, I'm so sick of this! It's my job!" I interrupted her.

"No Bella, it's not about your fucking job. It's about the fact that I planned something and you blew it off, yet again." She snorted

"No this is about the fact that you planned this dinner to make up for the shitty date we had last night and I just don't want your fucking apology."

Her words stung me. I can't believe she pegged me like that. But more than that, I can't believe she was right. I was trying to make up for last night and for all of the tension that had been in our relationship recently. I was trying to get past this, but apparently she wasn't. My voice was filled with quiet anger when I spoke again.

"You're right. I was trying to make up for last night. I don't know why I would think you would actually want to try and get past this."

"Get past what? Get past the fact that we can't be in the same room without a suffocating layer of tension around us? You can't get past that if the other person doesn't feel anything."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I looked at her in disbelief.

"I'm talking about you! How can we get past anything Edward when you don't communicate with me? You're so passive, we can't even have a real fight!" She got up and came towards me.

"I mean what kind of a fight is this. You haven't yelled at me once." She poked my chest. She was right. I never yelled at her. That doesn't mean I didn't think those thoughts, it's just there's no point.

"Why don't you say what you really feel?" She slapped me across my face. I could feel the anger and emotions I had been holding in the past few weeks start to bubble their way to the surface as my anger grew.

"Come on Edward. Say whatever it is that has you so upset." She was mocking me now.

"Ugh, you are such a pussy. Say it." She slapped me again, harder this time. I was on the edge.

"Oh for once in your fucking life say exactly what you want to say!" she yelled at me. I snapped.

"You want to know what I think? You're a selfish bitch who only cares about herself. God forbid you do anything that someone else wants to do. I think you're empty shell of a human. You have no goals, no aspirations, and no career. You're stuck in this one moment in time and you're lost. You're a lost, scared little girl wishing mommy and daddy were there to hold your hand. And I'm wondering how I every thought I could be with you."

I drew in a short breath. I watched her as every muscle in her face hardened and her chocolate brown eyes seemed to darken. I realized what I had just said and I closed my eyes. Her voice was dry and dead as she spoke.

"Now didn't that feel nice?" I opened my eyes and began to speak.

"Bella" She held up one finger and I stopped. She went into the bathroom and I sat down on the couch and put my head in my hands. She came back into the living room and grabbed her purse. She set something down on the coffee table and I looked up.

Keys.

"Bella wait I'm sorry." I followed her through the kitchen. She didn't say one word to me.

"Bella please, I'm sorry. Don't go." But she was out the door. I followed her out into the hall and she was already walking down the stairs. She gave me one last look of contempt. Then she disappeared from my sight.

And that was it. Quick and to the point. The way she always was.

I blinked once and she was here. I blinked again and she's gone.

I walked slowly back into the apartment. I didn't know exactly what to do. She had been in my life for a year now. There were reminders of her everywhere. The painting she did last week. Compositions I had written that were inspired by her. Menus from her favorite take out places. Movie ticket stubs. I could feel that she was missing. The keys on the coffee table were screaming at me.

I walked over to the window to see if I could catch a glimpse of her leaving. I moved the blinds aside and I saw her. She was getting into her car, but she paused just a moment. I saw her delicate hand reach up to her face and she cupped her cheek. I could see in the glow of the street light the tears that made her face glisten. I could see the pain in her eyes. I did that. Me. I caused those tears on her cheek. A wave of nausea washed over me as I rushed to the bathroom. When I was finished, I sat back against the bathtub and thought about how I got to this point. I did not realize I was crying until I felt the moisture spill onto my lips. What pain have I caused? What have I done?

The more I thought about it, the more I wondered how I had gotten to this point in the first place. Bella was not the typical girl I used to date. She's impulsive and messy and irresponsible. She's loud and says whatever she's thinking without any kind of filter. She doesn't have any kind of direction for her life. Heck, even her looks are not what I'm normally attracted to- Her long mahogany hair she had dyed a deep rich chocolate velvet color, her big brown eyes, her petite frame-all of it beautiful, exotic and not at all what I'm used to. I know there is a reason why I was attracted to her, but every quality I come up with only reminds me of why I had begun to resent her these past few weeks. I even resent that green scarf she always wears.

And I hate how I had spoken to her tonight. I never lose my temper like that normally. Even when something bothers me, I never just say it like that. I usually just let it go. I thought I had let go of some of the things I had said to her tonight. I mean, I don't really care that she's a bartender. I know she's just working stuff out and when the time is right for her, she'll go back to school. But I used that against her tonight. I had brought up her worst insecurities, things she was always worried about. She had on numerous occasions confessed to me that she was afraid people would think that she was a directionless, unmotivated slacker who would never do anything with her life. I had on those numerous occasions assured her that was not the case. People would never say that about her.

Except that I did.

She trusted me and I used her deepest fears against her.

I am the worst kind of evil.

After what seemed like hours, I made my way back to my room. True to myself, I picked up my journal to document what had just happened. I normally do this with particularly significant moments in my life. I fill it with, not just words and thoughts, but with colors and songs. The happiest moments in my life are documented in this journal, surrounded by the color blue. Today's color would be black. There would be no pictures. There would be no music. Somewhere inside of me, I felt like a piece of me had died.

I opened my journal with every intention to write and then sleep for a solid day or two. But the book fell open to the last page I had written in. I don't know why but I began to reread what I had written the day before…


End file.
